Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
