I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
