Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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