i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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