it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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