I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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