Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
