I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
