every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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