Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
