All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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