After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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