so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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