im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I could fuck to npr.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
