How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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