He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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