Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm too high and old for this...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
