Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
