Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
