I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Of course I have a pirate flag
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
