you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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