did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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