I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
