Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
