dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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