i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
