okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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