Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
