You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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