What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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