dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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