Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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