ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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