Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
