I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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