Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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