She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
