Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
