Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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