Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
