you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
