This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
