He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
