I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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