You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
