he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
