I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
