We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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