He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
