Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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